Vol 3: Don’t Just Mention Her. Say Her Name

I can only write this article from my own experience. I cannot speak for every woman or every workplace. But after years of building my career, leading teams, and mentoring women, I have come to believe something deeply: confidence does not grow in isolation.

Mine certainly didn’t.

Yes, I worked hard and I took risks with different roles and organizations; some were good risks, and some I learned to view as learning opportunities. I learned from my mistakes, learned to trust my instincts, and gradually found my voice. I am still finding it. But I also had people who saw leadership potential in me before I could fully see it in myself.

They guided me. They challenged me. They opened doors and helped me believe I belonged in bigger conversations. More importantly, they said my name in rooms I was not in.

That, to me, has been the secret sauce: sponsorship.

I think about this often when I am mentoring women. I will sit across from a brilliant, capable woman as she tells me about a role she wants, an idea she has, or a conversation she knows she needs to have. She has the experience. She has done the work. She is ready. And yet, the self-sabotage begins.

She needs one more year of experience. One more qualification. A little more proof. She worries she will sound too aggressive, too emotional, too ambitious, or simply too much. Meanwhile, someone with half the experience has already put up their hand. We call this the confidence gap. But does that phrase tell the whole story? I’m not convinced, because it certainly doesn’t tell the whole story for me.

Maybe the confidence gap is not simply the distance between a woman and her potential. Maybe it is the distance between what she is capable of and what the world has consistently given her permission to believe.

Girls are not born questioning whether they deserve to take up space. They learn it when they are told to be quiet while boys are allowed to be boisterous. They learn it when being called a princess sounds like a compliment but quietly teaches them to be pretty, pleasant, polished, and agreeable. They learn it when they are reminded to sit like a lady, behave like a lady, and avoid being bossy.

We reward girls for being good, following the rules, and being helpful. We reward them for making others feel comfortable, sometimes at their own expense. None of those qualities are inherently bad. Kindness, empathy, and consideration are strengths. But when girls are taught to prioritize everyone else’s comfort over their own voice, they can begin to confuse being liked with being worthy. That lesson does not disappear when they grow up and walk into a boardroom. It follows them.

It shows up when a woman begins a sentence with “I’m sorry.” It shows up when she waits until she meets every qualification before applying for a role. It shows up when she has an idea but waits for someone else to say it first. It shows up when she does not negotiate, ask for the opportunity, challenge the decision, or take credit for work she led.

It isn’t because she has nothing to say, but because somewhere along the way, she learned that taking up too much space comes with consequences.

I often think about a leader who entered my life at a pivotal point in my career. He believed in me, advocated for me, and challenged my lack of confidence without ever making me feel small. One day, he pointed out how often I apologized. Not when I had done something wrong, but before offering an opinion, asking a question, or taking up space. So he started an “I’m Sorry” Jar, where we would put spare change every time I said “sorry.”

It was such an impactful visual to show just how often I was apologizing for myself when I had nothing to apologize for. I had something worth saying, yet I was packaging my ideas inside an apology. He helped me recognize that pattern and gave me a safe place to change it. He reminded me that my voice deserved to be heard without an apology attached to it.

That is what good leadership can do. It does not manufacture confidence through empty encouragement. It creates the safety, honesty, and opportunity someone needs to discover confidence for themselves.

But he did more than mentor me. He gave me the gift of sponsorship. He said my name in rooms I was not in and helped me earn a seat at tables I had not yet been invited to. That changed how I saw myself, and it helped shape the leader I would eventually become.

What stayed with me most was not only what my sponsors said to me, but what they said about me when I was not there. They gave me opportunities to stretch, encouraged me to trust my instincts, and helped me understand that I belonged in bigger conversations.

The real magic happened when I left the room.

They said my name. They spoke about my potential. They advocated for opportunities I did not yet have the influence or access to secure for myself. Their belief did more than build my confidence. It helped give me a seat at the table.

Interestingly, my experience with sponsorship has been gender-neutral. I have been mentored and sponsored by incredible women and equally incredible men. What mattered was not their gender. It was their willingness to see my potential, invest their credibility in it, and advocate for me when I was not there to advocate for myself.

Women supporting women is powerful, but sponsorship should not be confined by gender. We also need men who understand the role they can play in opening doors, creating space, and helping talented women gain access to conversations that can change their careers.

Mentorship can help someone find her voice. Sponsorship makes sure her name is heard in the rooms where decisions are made. That distinction matters.

If we treat the confidence gap as a flaw inside women, our solution becomes telling them to speak louder, believe in themselves, and develop more executive presence. But if an environment repeatedly overlooks their contributions, questions their authority, rewards their silence, or holds them to a different standard, another confidence workshop will not fix that.

We need to stop asking only, “How do we make women more confident?”

We also need to ask:

What happens when she speaks?

Who receives credit for her ideas?

Who is encouraged to apply before they feel completely ready?

Who gets the stretch assignment?

Who is allowed to make a mistake without having their leadership potential questioned?

Who is mentoring her privately but advocating for her publicly?

Confidence grows when capability is met with opportunity, trust, honest feedback, and visible support.

If someone in your charge is capable but struggling to see it, do not offer empty encouragement. Be specific. Tell her what she does well. Give her honest feedback about where she can grow. Trust her with meaningful work and let her make decisions. Make sure she receives credit for the work she leads. And when she leaves the room, keep leading.

Mentioning that she did good work is not enough. Say her name. Describe the value she created. Recommend her for the opportunity. Challenge assumptions made about her readiness. Use your influence to create access she cannot yet create for herself. Mentorship matters, yes, but sponsorship changes trajectories.

Clarity builds confidence too. When people know where they stand, what is expected, and that honest conversations can happen without humiliation, they stop wasting energy trying to decode the room. They can use that energy to learn, contribute, and lead. This is another reason I believe so deeply that clear is kind. Clear leadership creates safety, and safety gives people room to find their voice.

Why did this article matter so much to me? What message did I have to share with the women still waiting to feel ready? You may never reach the moment when every doubt disappears.

Confidence is not the absence of fear. It is the decision that fear does not get the final vote.

Read that again. 

You do not need to know everything before you contribute something. You do not need another person’s permission to have a point of view. You do not need to shrink your intelligence, ambition, warmth, body, voice, or presence to make yourself easier for others to hold.

Take up the space.

Ask the question.

Apply for the role.

Have the conversation.

And when you finally earn your seat at the table, remember how you got there. Look for the person who has the capability but not yet the confidence, visibility, or access and pay it forward.

Say her name.

Because confidence can help a woman find her voice. Sponsorship makes sure that voice reaches the rooms where decisions are made.